As is my custom, I made several predictions last January for the upcoming year, Nostradamus-style, in cryptic verse. Now that 2016 has come to a close, it behooves us to see how close my Delphic rhymes came to the truth.
Who drove the campaign bus? The Rus.
When we voted, who did the computin’? Putin.
“The Rus” is a well-known nickname for Russell Crowe. I assume the campaign referred to is the one we waged against the French in Master and Commander. In a sense he had to “compute” his navigational data, and he had to “put in” the numbers (into his sextant or whatever)—but none of that happened in 2017.
It’s hard to endorse a sneaker
When you have zika.
That contest with the rings
Makes us aware of these things.
Zika is of course a beverage made by combine Zico coconut water with Zima. I can’t figure out what that has to do with the Superbowl.
A horrible monster that’s orange
Oiléd, with lies, power’s door hinge
And crept through the door
To the big oval floor.
His generative organ: four-inch.
The most famous orange monster is Ernie from Sesame Street. I understand that this prediction probably refers to the downplaying of Sesame Street’s human cast, and the triumph of the Muppets—but that was announced in 2016! So this prediction isn’t very impressive, despite being incredibly accurate.
Judgment: Half credit.
So that’s .5 out of three. So many things important things happened this year—celebrities died, a Star Wars movie came out, another five pages were written in The Winds of Winter—and yet I was able to prophecy none of them.
Better luck next year, me!